FAQ

The following questions have been received in my inbox and I have answered and posted here. If you wish you see any questions that I have addressed and posted on my blog, click here.

Is it alright to feel uncomfortable seeing other girls dress provocatively out in public? I understand people should be comfortable with their bodies, but there are other ways to do so besides wearing almost nothing out in public. I don’t think it’s appropriate. Is it wrong to think people should be more considerate?

You are certainly not wrong - everyone is entitled to their own opinions. And I absolutely agree that people should be a bit more conservative in certain settings. However, it’s not up to you or me to tell people how to dress. It’s a person’s prerogative to dress how he or she wants, and that’s not down to us. If you don’t like it, just look away because, quite frankly, it isn’t really your business. 

Furthermore, it’s a bit of a fine line, isn’t it? What you consider appropriate wouldn’t exactly align with someone else’s idea of what is appropriate. You can’t please everyone. 

You are aware that Coco Chanel was a Nazi, right?

I’m well aware of her history. In general, I do not think she was a good person and that more people should be made aware of the reality her less-than-glamorous character. That being said, I think that she was quite insightful in her own way and that despite her shortcomings, some of the things she said were quite inspired and I think that that is what people should take away from the quotations I’ve posted. I don’t think that it’s important who said what, so long as what was said is wise and inspirational.

What is your opinion about ladies and sex? Should they wait until marriage or can they sleep with someone they’re in a relationship with?

I believe that sex is a very personal subject and is ultimately a personal decision. Whatever your beliefs, do what you believe is right and what you think is comfortable.

Why shouldn’t a lady bend at the waist?

This particular post was a suggestion (to the person who submitted it, please forgive me for forgetting your name), but I think it’s a good one. Bending at waist forces people to look at your backside (how many people have had a stranger just bend over in front of them and have just been forced to stand there and stare until they’ve stood up again?), and makes you more susceptible to some kind of embarrassment (such as flashing your underwear, tearing your clothes, or losing your balance).

Kneeling down just seems to be a more dignified way to pick something up. 

I like this guy, but we aren’t really friends. The thing is he’s kind of a jock and has so many friends who are girls. I want him to notice me and maybe become friends and maybe something else eventually, but I don’t know what to do.

My advice would be to start off small. Try some small talk first. Maybe ask him about a class that you share, or ask him if he has plans for the weekend. Ask him if he heard about that earthquake that happened in New England, or something else that you can talk about. Eventually, the more you talk, the more you’ll get to know one another without being formal. See if you have anything in common or anything you can talk about. For instance, if he says that he’s going to see a certain concert one weekend, you can ask him more about the band that’s playing. Or maybe it’ll be a band that you like! Just be friendly and approachable and try not to be overbearing or like you’re forcing conversation. 

You’d be surprised how many people I’ve gotten to know that way, just because I sat next to them in one class. Oh, and remember to smile and be comfortable! Everything is only as awkward as you make it.

Being a lady is all about being yourself and acting in a good manner. Not all women are always like that. So what can you say about women everyday who have those moments when they’re just feeling horrible or just sour?

I think that we’re women, and we’re human, and we have bad days and we have bad moods and we aren’t perfect. No one’s expecting perfection. A woman is entitled to her bad days and her sour moods (we all get them). However, a lady doesn’t take out her sourness on other people. No one should be punished or mistreated simply because you missed your bus this morning or they mixed up your coffee order. If you’re going to be sour, be sour to the people who made you sour, and not just because you got mineral water instead of sparkling.

A lady is allowed to be in a rotten mood, but we’re all humans and we all need to be considerate of one another.

‘Lady’ blogs tend to bash people who are usually referenced as ‘skanks who show their cleavage’. I think there should be a definition to what ‘showing cleavage’ is and what ‘embracing femininity is. 

I have never bashed, nor do I have a problem with, showing cleavage. If you are referring to the last question I answered, I believe you are misinterpreting what it was I said. I think it’s a woman’s prerogative to show off whatever part of her body she wishes. Personally, I think that a lady would do so tastefully, but a lady can still show some leg or wear a low-cut shirt. And I believe you’re absolutely right - woman should be encouraged to embrace their femininity. 

However, there is a very considerable difference between embracing your femininity and being distasteful. If you’re at a club, anything goes, but if you’re out at a nice restaurant, or at school, you should consider being more modest. Places like school or work are serious, professional settings where one is allowed to be feminine, but not distracting or inappropriate. Let’s face it: showing leg or cleavage is a form of embracing your sexuality, however subtle, and being sexual (no matter how subtly or overtly) has its own place. 

How do I act like a lady with my ex? He’ll come over every day and we’ll cuddle and act like we’re together. I always feel horrible and act out badly or just get bothered.

I think you have a couple of options: 1) you need to learn to deal with things as they are or, 2) you need to confront him. If you’re trapped in a relationship limbo, you need to discuss the issue with him and address whether or not you are a couple. If your relationship is over and you aren’t happy with how things are, you can only get back together or move on. 

Ask him how he feels about you and if he wants to start your relationship over or if it really is over for him. By leaning back on you and looking to you for affection, he’s preventing you from moving on with your life and forgetting about him, and if he has no interest in resuming an exclusive relationship, that isn’t very fair to you. So you should figure out what you want from the relationship and lay the cards on the table and explain to him exactly how you feel. 

You should make a ‘To Be a Gentleman’ blog.

Actually, I’d rather not. I’m no authority on being a lady, much less on being a gentleman, so it really wouldn’t be my place to tell gentlemen how they should behave. Furthermore, I don’t believe it’s a woman’s place to tell a man how he should be. Just imagine the uproar if a man started a blog for women with ‘how to be’ tips.

Also, I think being a gentleman, just like being a lady, is a lifestyle. I probably wouldn’t know anything about collecting cuff links, or suit maintenance.

If there are gentlemen out there looking for some guidance, there is a plethora of resources at your disposal. Some good ones are artofmanliness and Being a Gentleman (AskMen.com in general has some great articles).

How old are you?

I am nineteen years old.

How does a lady text? With proper spelling and punctuation? Is ‘lol’ or ‘haha’ appropriate?

Texting is not emailing, so no one should be expected to fit in every spelling and grammar rule in a short message of 160 characters. Feel free to use acronyms to get your point across if you have to. That being said, you don’t want to come off as an idiot, and you probably want to be a bit more professional if you’re sending a text message to your grandparents or an employer. So don’t use acronyms or slang that no one’s ever heard of and dOn’T tyPe LiKe ThIs. 

Also, if you have a full keyboard or T9, you have no excuse for using words such as ‘dat’, ‘dis’, ‘lyk’, or ‘skool’.

Is it appropriate for 25 year old ladies to date men 40 and older?

Of course. Age is just a number, so the only meaning it has is the meaning you give it. If you’re happy or interested, there is no reason why your age difference should get in the way. 

Is there a lady-like way to have sex?

Sex is very personal, so I believe that you should only do what you’re comfortable doing, and only whom you’re comfortable with. In terms of being ‘lady-like’, I don’t believe you would ever catch a lady having sex is a public place. So as long as you keep it private, it’s fair game.

I’ve been confused about who I am. Sometimes I just want to be an indie girl and smoke cigarettes and mess up my hair, but some days I wake up wanting to be a lady. Can you give some advice to help me figure out who I am?

I am able to connect with this issue, actually. I think it’s a woman’s prerogative to be who she wants and who she feels like being and she shouldn’t be afraid to switch it up. I’ll wake up some mornings feeling like a complete badass and I’ll pull on my black clothes and my leather boots, and some days I’ll wear a ruffled dress and flats. It’s all about feeling comfortable in your own skin and doing whatever you feel is right for you. 

As for being a lady, that shouldn’t ever conflict with whatever image you have. You can be an indie girl and still be a lady. Ultimately, it’s about class, courtesy, and confidence. So don’t ever apologise for being who you are. 

What made you decide you wanted to do a blog like this?

I started this blog for me, actually. About a year ago, I bought a couple of etiquette books on my quest for self improvement, and I found that while it was pretty easy to find blogs and websites for gentlemen, there weren’t any for ladies. (Keep in mind that this blog was the first of its kind for ladies.) 

Also, as an older sister to two teen girls, I wanted to remind people of forgotten ideals. I’ve grown tired of thirteen and fourteen year olds mouthing off and throwing tantrums to get their way because they ‘don’t take crap from other people’, essentially showing no respect for the people around them. I just wanted to show people that there are ways to command respect than to just act out.

My ex has been bombarding me with hateful messages and I’ve been ignoring him, but he still manages to send me messages through different places. My question is how do I go about this with a lady approach?

I think that confrontation is best. Of course I don’t know the details of your situation, but I think you should make an attempt to calmly and confidently approach him and ask him to leave you alone. If his behaviour persists, or if his messages are in any way threatening or violent, tell someone. There is strength in numbers and maybe he will finally get the message to back off. 

If all else fails, try blocking his email/phone number/account, or even a restraining order.

Are you Bree van de Kamp?

Only on Sundays.

Does a lady smoke?

Sure. But a lady always has her own cigarettes and lighters and never tries to bum one off of a stranger. I believe that if you’re going to smoke, you should be able to support your own habit and not depend on other people.  And once again, avoid smoking in front of people who don’t. Because smoking is a health risk for both smokers and non-smokers, a lady knows that she should not force those who have chosen not to smoke to be victims of second-hand smoke just because of her own habit.

How is looking good considered ‘polite’?

I believe that the effort a person puts into their appearance is a mark of respect to other people. When going to a dinner party looking presentable, you’re making the statement that these people are worth impressing and that it’s an occasion worth dressing up for. But if you arrive dressed sloppily with very little effort put into your appearance, you’re suggesting that these people aren’t worth your time and that you don’t care what that think - which may in fact be the case, but no one likes feeling as though they are unimportant and that their thoughts don’t matter.

The same thing goes for work or school. If you show up with your hair brushed and dressed in a respectable and presentable manner, you look professional and can be taken seriously as a student/coworker. Showing up to class in sweatpants suggests carelessness and a lack of seriousness, which may not exactly be the impression you want to make when you may one day ask your professor for an internship or recommendation letter.

Is a lady allowed to touch herself?

Generally, my belief is that when in private, do whatever you like, whatever makes you feel comfortable, and keep it private. It is inappropriate to talk about such things except with a doctor or significant other and it may make others uncomfortable, and it is even more inappropriate to be engaged in such acts somewhere other than home. So, by all means, touch away, so long as it’s behind closed doors.

How do you stop biting your nails?

As someone who suffers from a similar problem (I chew on my cuticles), I can definitely understand where you’re coming from. You really only have two options: 1) strength of will and, 2) brute force. Allow me to explain.

1) This is probably the hardest, but I find that it’s worked enough for me that I don’t have to resort to option 2. If it’s a habit that you are consciously aware of while you’re doing it, you can stop yourself. 

2) You can force yourself to break the habit by making the act of biting your nails unappealing. I’ve heard that methods such as fake nails and bitter tasting nail polish can help break the habit. I’ve also heard of people putting castor oil (or something similar, like oregano oil) around their nails. Eventually, it will force you to break your habit because every time you will try to bite your nails, you will associate it with biting something disgusting.

I hope that helps!

What do you do when a girl is trying to steal your boyfriend, or is just plain mean?

I believe in killing people with kindness, but that’s always easier said than done. I myself am a very proud and temperamental person, but I find that if you ignore people who are mean and sever any ties with them, you will be a lot happier and you will also come out as the better person. Just because someone picks a fight with you doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to be provoked. Try to be as dignified as possible, so just act like an adult and try not to stoop to her level. 

As for any girls stealing your boyfriend, as long as you trust your boyfriend, you should have nothing to worry about. Keep in mind how silly this girl will seem if you ignore her taunting and if she will never be able to catch the boy that you have. So just smile and try not to worry. 

Do you have any advice to teach home wreckers?

While I think that it’s expected of me to put down ‘home wrecking’, I believe that each and every situation is unique. While some girls may only be interested in the drama, it’s possible that another girl may have genuine feelings for someone who just so happens to be in a relationship. In general, I believe that it always takes two to tango, and as long as you trust your boyfriend and he remains devoted to you, you will never have any reason to worry about someone else swooping in and taking him from you. 

I think that every lady should know her boundaries, but I also believe that a lady knows that a relationship is a partnership, and as long as it’s full of love and trust, there’s no reason to worry about outside parties.

Any advice on ladies and music?

This seems a little vague. I think that every lady has the prerogative to listen to whatever music she likes, whether it’s Metallica, Top 40, or Chopin, so I don’t really have any lady tips in regards to that. I also think that people should be sensitive to the fact that not all people share the same tastes in music, so try not to judge and try to find a middle ground when fighting for a station. 

I think that it’s most important for a lady to be considerate of other people when listening to music. It’s inappropriate for a person to listen to their personal music player when she is conversing with someone (whether it’s a friend or a person working at the cash register), or to listen to personal music so loudly that people not sharing the headphones can hear it. I think it’s also inappropriate for people to blast their car speakers when driving - if people outside can hear your music when all your windows are closed, it’s too loud. Just be mindful of common courtesy. 

Is there a way to kiss like a lady?

In terms of technique, I’m not exactly sure if there’s a lady-like way to go about this. I think that a lady would only be as passionate as she’s feeling, so be sincere. Which, I think, would also mean that you should only kiss someone if you are certain of your (and his or her) intentions, and try not to lead anyone on. 

Other than that, be mindful of how much tongue you use, and I think you should be fine. 

Do you see a difference in etiquette between Canada and the US?

I’ve been to many parts of the United States, and I don’t think that I do, or at least not a significant difference, anyway. I think that in both countries there are such large, diverse populations, and that each individual has his or her own individual beliefs, that there isn’t a pattern. You can find both polite and impolite people in both countries, just as you can in different parts of the world. 

Is there any special etiquette of social networking? Especially for someone who runs a personal blog?

Hmm this probably isn’t my area of expertise, but I think that one of the main things people should be aware of about the Internet is the diversity and that people should be accepting, or at least tolerant of that. You have all kinds of people who have different beliefs and for some reason, the Internet seems to be the battlefield for disputes over differences in opinion. I think that it’s important for a person to be proud of their beliefs and to stand up for themselves, but I think that everyone should be aware of when something has gone too far and you should know when to take the high road. Arguing over the Internet, be it blogs or social networking sites or instant messaging, is juvenile, and is best avoided. If you’re arguing with someone you know, you should be enough of a grown up to discuss it in person, and if you’re arguing with someone you don’t know, then it’s a waste of your time. 

I also believe in “too much information” and that some things people don’t want to hear about or shouldn’t hear about. But I’m going to let you draw the line for that on your own.

Finally, I think that everyone who has a profile on a networking site or maintains a personal blog should be aware that you are going to be perceived in the way that you present yourself, and you should be prepared to deal with the consequences. That being said, I think that it’s also important to remember to take everything with a grain of salt and that you’re only seeing what people allow you to see, and there is often more to people than meets the eye.

Do you ever take into consideration that these rules don’t apply to relationships where there are no gentlemen involved? 

Honestly, I don’t think that I had ever considered that before, and I’d like to point out that in relation to most people and despite what you may gather from this blog, I am very independent of men and give them little thought. Obviously a woman doesn’t need a gentleman to be a lady and I apologise for making it appear otherwise. However, I imagine that if the roles were reversed, or if it was a situation where a woman was offering to pay for another woman, or a woman was holding the door open for another woman, the same principles would apply. Just be polite and be independent, it’s as simple as that. 

Actually, it’s “who” not “whom”. Actually, it’s “realize” not “realise”.

Actually, it’s not, and I feel like I should make a public service announcement in response to the grammar and spelling edits that I tend to receive. Firstly, one uses “who” when referring to the subject of a clause (the operator of the action), and one uses “whom” when referring to the object of the clause (or the person that the action is being acted on). 

While “realize” is technically correct, so is “realise”, and this detail depends on what part of the English-speaking world you live in. As I am not American, I spell it “realise”, “apologise”, etc. 

You’re ignorant. Propaganda is propaganda, no matter how you dress it up. How about you post things to make people feel good, instead of nonsensical advice. 

I may be a lot of things, but I am hardly ignorant. And if this blog really seems that “nonsensical” to you, and if you don’t feel good reading it, then perhaps this isn’t the place for you. The purpose of this blog isn’t to “make people feel good” - it’s a reminder of forgotten ideals, to remind ladies what it’s like to be confident, independent, kind, polite, and respectable. I believe that my blog is a lot more positive and “feel-goody” than many others out there that focus on what’s wrong with everything they see and experience. 

And like you said, propaganda is propaganda, whether it be my “nonsensical advice” or your feel-good posts. At least I’m not ignorant to that fact. 

How short of a skirt is too short?

I think that a general rule is that nothing should be exposed (if you have to put a hand on your bottom to keep from mooning everyone, that’s probably a problem). After that, it’s a matter of preference. Some girls are probably more comfortable exposing more leg than others, or some girls will stay covered up for religious or cultural reasons. Whichever it may be, I think it is up to you to choose whatever length suits you. 

However, be aware that certain lengths are inappropriate in certain settings. Miniskirts aren’t appropriate in the workplace, at school, or at formal events, but can be worn out or casually.

How do I talk to a boy?

Like you would any other human being. Just relax and be yourself. And if that isn’t good enough, then he isn’t worth your time.

Have you seen stfuetiquetteblogs?

I have, and I’d rather ignore its existence, if you please.

What is your definition of a lady?

I don’t think I have a set definition because a lady isn’t a paint-by-colours sort of thing. I think that a lady is a confident, capable, and respectable woman, whom others look up to and admire. She’s independent and strong and well spoken. I think that every lady should have a sort of uniqueness and allure about her that draws people in, so nothing like a Stepford wife. A lady should have an individual charm and air about her, and should be respectful of other people. I also admire a woman with a personality who has her own life and interests and doesn’t depend on anyone else. Finally, I think that a woman who’s got it all should look like she’s got it all by having a style of her own.

Does that make sense?

Do the messages you get ever frustrate you?

Of course. This isn’t a personal blog by any means, but I feel constantly attacked on a personal level by people who don’t like it, and it’s really frustrating to have to constantly defend myself. It may be difficult to prove, but I’m not at all judgemental of people who don’t fit into my “lady” mould, but I constantly feel as though I am being judged for my beliefs. For instance, I’ll be accused of being judgemental or “slut-shaming” when in reality I’m the one being judged and shamed. It’s enough to frustrate anyone.

I started this blog with good and humble intentions, and I don’t much fancy being harassed by people.

How can I get this blog every day? What is a URL?

I’m not sure I understand this question. This blog can be accessed every day on the page tobealady.tumblr.com, but if you wish to receive updates, you can follow this blog or you can track it. As for URLs, the URL is the http://…. bit that appears in your browser’s address bar. I hope that helps!

Are there any other blogs like this one?

Indeed, there are. There was something of an etiquette boom in the last month or so, so for all you aspiring ladies, be sure to check out etiquetteforalady, therulesofladies, (my favourite) rulesforthesouthernlady, ladyoftheball, and rulesofayounglady. ladyoftheball, rulesofayounglady, and rulesforthesouthernlady focus more on lessons as opposed to the one-liner pieces of advice you’d find on the other two, but they are all fabulous.

Do you often get a lot of criticism?

Yes. I’ve gotten messages from people, and I also like to read the comments that people add when they reblog a post, many of which tend to be very negative. I’ve been called old-fashioned, sexist, anti-feminist, stupid, a copy cat, etc. Some people don’t even like the art work. But you keep calm and you carry on. 

What’s your theme?

I’m not sure I understand this question (as it appeared with a twitter mention, which is a network I have absolutely no knowledge of), so I don’t know how to go about answering it. Tumblr-wise, the theme for my page that I use is called Simplicidade, with a lot of custom settings.  

How do you feel about swearing/cursing/cussing?

Generally, I don’t have a problem with it. I swear all the time, to be honest. However, I try to avoid offending people, so I don’t curse in front of people that I know find it offensive, nor do I use any kind of racist or sexist swear words. If it’s not offensive, it’s fine with me. That being said, I think people should be aware that there’s a time and a place for using such language (that includes slang), so try not to curse around your teachers, employers, etc.

This blog is extremely sexist.

Hardly. I suppose it may look that way because everything is under the heading to be a lady. However, many people have said, and I completely agree, that this advice applies not just to women, but to all people. I believe that all of my advice applies to men as well. Be kind, be courteous, be honest, be considerate, be confident - in no way are these characteristics exclusive to women. Just because I don’t maintain a blog for gentlemen does not mean that I am sexist. 

Do you have a personal blog?

Indeed I do. I have a couple, but I think my main one, violinsandcornets, may be of interest to those of you who like this blog.

Do you have a twitter account?

Nope. It’s been suggested that I get one as an expansion of this blog, but I have neither one for myself, nor for this blog. 

Do you gather inspiration from the greats? Like Audrey Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn, and Grace Kelly?

Yes and no. I collect quotes from women of that time, but the advice itself I don’t really take from them. One of the books that I use as inspiration, How to be Adored, looks at the great women of Hollywood, so I suppose I indirectly use them as inspiration, as well. But I’ve never sought them out and used them to inspire the advice I give. 

You need to add more about cooking.

I actually laughed when I read this one just because I am probably the last person who should give people any kind of culinary advice. I’m still a cook-in-training, preparing experimental dishes (which I mean to say that half of the things I make tend to burn), so I don’t think I’m much of an authority. I also don’t really believe that cooking is an essential part of being a lady, though this may be based on my own personal bias and ineptitude.

Where are you from?

My family is from South-Eastern Europe, but I was born and raised in Canada. 

Follow back?

Sorry loves, but no. I don’t follow blogs on this account.